French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
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WINNING AN HEIRESS 



PS 635 
.Z9 
P3565 
Copy 1 



A S^uvt^ In ©tiF Art 

SEVEN MALE CHARACTERS 



BY 

F. URSULx\ PAYNE 



NOTE. — Amateurs may perform this play without payment 
of royalty. 



Copyright, 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH 



PRICE 25 CENTS. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



WINNING AN HEIRESS 



A JTarr^ In ©tun Arta 

SEVEN MALE CHARACTERS 



BY 

F. URSULA PAYNE 



Copyright, 1915, by SAMUEL FRENCH 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street, 

STRAND 



^ 



lo^ 



WINNING AN HEIRESS, 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Ben Borrow 
Henry Hardup 

Sam Slow 



. Impecunious 

Chums living 

Andrew Askum I together 

Ned Natty J 

Israel Cohen A tailor 

Jimmy Crapps The janitor's assistant 

To be mentioned on 
Miss Highrox, An heiress I the program, in 
Mrs. Keerful^ Her aunt [ order to surprise 

audience at end. 



©CLD 41214 

JUL 13 1915 



Winnio^ an Heiress 



ACT I. 



Scene : — Room in small flat, New York City. The 
room is furnished fairly well, is not very neat, 
and is decorated with pennants, posters, etc. 
• Window, center, back. Doors right and left up 
stage. Shelf and mirror, left. Table, center, 
with newspapers, writing materials, smoking 
articles, etc. Lounge, right of window, chair 
left of window, chairs right and left of table. 
Over the zvindozu, rear, is a poster which says 
"We Should Worry!" Piperack left of zuin- 
dow. 

Curtain rises discovering Henry Hardup and 
Ben Borrow seated at center-table. Henry 
right; Ben left. Their coats and vests are 
missing, and both are reading nezvspapers on 
which appear in large letters, " HELP 
WANTED, male:' Ben snatches knife 
from table and quickly cuts out ad. 

Ben. How's this, Hennie? This just suits 
muh ! (Reads) " Wanted, handsome youno- man, 
plenty of brains, good family, quick at figures, pleas- 
ing manner, well educated, fond of children, good 
disposition, thoroughly honest, doesn't drink, smoke, 
chew, play cards or stay out late. Consistent 
church-member, fine figure, neatly dressed, well rec- 

3 



4 AVINNING AN HEIRESS. 

ommended, plenty of nerve. Must work fifteen 
hours a day, chaperoning an opera-singer. Salary 
ten dollars a week. Apply, by letter only to 
S. A. S., World, Uptown. 

Henry ( Who has been staring, his mouth getting 
wider and wider open, and who has shozun other 
signs of collapse) Fine, old man! Just suits you. 
I — I notice one thing in which I believe you will 
excel all other applicants. 

Ben. (Drawing himself up) Exactly. Which 
one? 

Henry. You have it all right. Plenty of nerve ! 

Ben. (Subsiding) Henry, you never did ap- 
preciate me. It's your one short-coming. How 
many ads. have you answered to-day? 

Henry. (Indicating letters) Seventeen. Ought 
to get something out of them, I reckon. Blame it! 
A feller can't get along like this forever ! 

Ben. Well, this will be my twenty-first. (Seises 
pen, and begins to write) S. A. S., World, Uptown, 
Gentlemen : In answer to your advertisement in to- 
day's " World " would say, I am a handsome young 
man 

(Enter Andrew Askum, right.) 

Henry. Hello ! Andy. What's up ? 

Andrew. Chucked ! ( Throzvs dozun hat and 
coat) 

Ben. (Laying dozvn pen) Chucked! What 
for? 

Andrew. Late again this morning! 

Henry. Well, I'll be jiggered ! Why didn't you 
tell him all about it, — sick aunt, sent for doctor, or 
something ? 

Andrew. No go ! No go ! He said he guessed 
it wasn't aunt but ante. 

Ben. (Laughs behind hand) Sly old fellow, 
that boss of yours. 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 5 

Henry. E^nappreciative though. That's the way 
with all my bosses, all unappreciative. 

Ben. Well, we're all in the same boat. Hennie 
and I have been answering ads. all morning. I'd 
offer you this one, but fear you'd hardly suit. Not 
handsome enough I'm afraid. 

Andrew. {Sitting on lounge) It's good the rest 
of the fellers have jobs. 

{Enter Sam Slow, right.) 

Henry. {Jumping) jeboshaphat! What's the 
matter with you, Sam? 

Sam. {^Throwing down coat) Fired! 

Henry, Ben a77(i' Andrew. Fired! What for? 

Sam. {Drawling) He said I was sleepy! 

Henry. Sleepy, Heavens man ! You should 
have told him that you were much sleepier at 4 
A. M.! 

Sam. Fie says I've acted sleepy for a month. 
Wanted to know why my mother didn't put me to 
bed early. 

Ben. {With feeling) I always said I'd be a 
mother to you, Sammy old boy. I told you to go to 
bed last night, now didn't I ? 

Henry. It's good v^^e have Ned still left with his 
seventeen per. Jingoes ! We'll have to see that he 
doesn't get into debt hereafter. We've got to live 
somehow, by Gosh ! 

Ben. Dear old Ned, I always loved Ned! 

{Enter Ned, right. All start.) 

Sam. {After a pause, slozvly) Getting a holiday ? 

Ned. {Throwing dozvn hat and coat) No, 
bounced ! 

Chorus. Bounced! What for? 

Ned. Boss said I didn't have my mind on busi- 
ness. Too many other interests. 



6 Winning an heiress. 

Ben. It's Cecelia. I suppose you have her pic- 
ture in your watch. 

Ned. {^Taking ovtt watch) Yes, there she is. 
She's a winner, all right ! 

Henry. Yes, no doubt, but you won't be if you've 
lost your job ! 

Ned. {Sentimentally) She doesn't care for 
money. She loves roses. 

Ben. {Aside) At tv/o dollars apiece! 

Sam. {Slowly) Well, this zV a go ! How're we 
gong to live? 

Ben. I wish you hadn't lent Uppers that farty 
dollars, Henry. 

Henry. O well. Uppers is a good skate all right, 
and he was in a hole. I hated to see the poor thing 
suffer. 

Ben, Maybe he'll pay it back soon. 

Henry. Swell chance ! 

Andrew. If only we didn't owe anything! 

Ned. O, blame the debts ! 

{Ring at the bell. Ben starts up.) 

Andrew. Hold on, old man. Call down the tube 
first. 

Henry. {At door right) No use, he's coming 
up the stairs. Sounds like old Cohen, too. Who 
doesn't owe him anything? Ben you're the only one. 
You'll have to stay and face him. {Exit, left, all 
but Ben.) 

Cohen. {Outside) Is the gentlemens in? 

Ben. No, all out but me, Mr. Cohen. Better 
come another time. 

Cohen. {Raising voice) But I must come in 
now. If you open dis toor I tell you about mine 
family. 

Henry. {Looking in left) Let him in, Ben, or 
the whole house will know ! Give him some jolly. 
Only keep him still ! 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 



7 



Ben. {Opening the door) AVell, come in, Mr. 
Cohen, come in! {Exit Henry). 

{Enter Mr. Copien.) 

Mr. Cohen. You see, Mister, I must haf dat 
moneys quick. My wife, she haf fall down and 
sprain her ankle. 

Ben. Too bad, Mr. Cohen. You have my sym- 
pathy ! Now, I think I have a little something that 
may help her. {Looks around wildly, seizes bottle 
of hair-restorer. Aside) Ned's hair-restorer, use- 
ful at last! {Aloud) Ask your wife to try this 
Mr. Cohen. It is fine for, for shoulders, — I mean 
ankles. And remember me to Mrs. Cohen. {Pushes 
Co^^^ toward .door right) 

Cohen. But, my moneys, I want my moneys ! 

Ben. Yes, I know, but you see I don't owe you 
anything, — yet ; and the other gentleman are out — 
very much out, — and really I shall tell them the 
moment they come in. {Pushing him tozvard door) 
I knov/ that they will feel so sorry for Mrs. Cohen, 
and will want to pay up at once, and {pushing him 
out) don't forget to use the medicine! {Through 
the door) Use plenty of it; it's fine! 

{Enter Ned, followed by the others.) 

Ned. Confound you, Ben ! Did you give that old 
Sheeny my hair-restorer? 

Ben. Now come, old man, be reasonable, 
Cohen's wife has a sprained ankle, and 

Ned. But that stuff cost a whole dollar. 

Henry. {Taking hold of Ned's hair) " Dan- 
derine grew this hair and we can prove it." 

Sam. {Slowly) You mustn't mind being a little 
bald, Neddy, dear. You can see fine from the bald- 
headed row. 

Andrew. Besides, a bald spot looks so distin- 
guished. 



8 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Ned. {Knocking down a chair) Confound it! 
You fellows have no feeling ! 

{Knock at door, right. The hoys start toward door, 
left. Door, right, opens a little and Jimmy 
Crapps looks in.) 

Jimmy. Youse fellers has got to cut it out, see? 
Andrew. Cut out what, Jimmy ? Come on in. 

{Enter. Jimmy. He carries a broom and is chewing 
gum,'Which he pulls into a long thread occasion- 
ally. A dime novel is sticking out of his 
pocket.) 

Henry. What's the score, Jimmy? 

Jimmy. Brooklyn, 3. Chicago, 2. De lady down 
stairs says youse is making too much noise, see 1 
She says youse should go to work ! 

Andrew. {Seizing his hat) Where's the job, 
Jimmy ? 

Jimmy. {PulVmg out gum) Job, nothin'. De 
lady down stairs says she can't hear herself tink ! 

Sam. {Slowly) I'm not surprised at that. 

Jimmy. Anyhow, youse has got to chuck de 
noise, see? 

Ben. All right Jimmy, we're on. Church mice 
for ours! (Jimmy starts to twist himself toward 
the door on his heels.) 

Ned. What makes you so wriggley, Jimmie? 

Jimmy. {Backing out of the door and pulling 
out gum) I can't help being Wriggley, I chew 
Spearmint, see? 

{Exit.) 

• Henry. Jingoes, what a relief ! I thought sure 
he had another note from the real estate agent. 

Ben. If Haskins & Son get impatient we're up a 
tree for further orders. There's not a guy among 
us that can scrape up enough for the rent. 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 9 

i\NDRE\v. Oh, Haskins is real good-natured. I 
don't think he'll bother us again. {Knock at door, 
right. All start toward door, left as before.) 

Jimmy. {Poking in his head) I forgot some- 
thing, gents. (Entering, holding dime novel in one 
hand and letter in the other) De agent told me ter 
give youse dis letter. It's up to me to wait for an 
answer, see? 

(All sink hack in various attitudes of despair. No- 
body takes the letter. Jimmy standing right, 
holds out letter in right hand zvhile reading 
aloud from book in left hand. He makes mo- 
tions with letter.) 

Jimmy. '' The villain approached stealthily with 
dagger drawn. The pale maiden was helpless. Her 
head v\^as laid back aginst the tree, her fair neck 
gleamed in the moonlight. Where was our hero? 
W^ould he never come? The villain took a step 
nearer. He raised the dagger. In another moment 
the deed v/ould be done ! " (Jimmy wildly plunging 
in the air with the letter, loses his balance and lands 
in Henry's lap. Struggling up) What's de mat- 
ter wid yez ? Why don't yez take yer letter ? Didn't 
I tell youse I had to wait for an answer? 

Ben. {Seising the letter) All right, we'll read 
it. {Reads aloud, while Jimmy reads to himself, 
making zuild gestures in the air. The others listen 
disconsolately) Gentlemen: It pains me to inform 
you that the rent for your apartment has been in 
arrears for tvv^o months. We should be greatly 
obliged if you will favor us with a check at once. 
Unless payment is made within the next month we 
must insist that the apartment be vacated or a writ 
of dispossess will be served. 

Very truly yours, 

HASKINS & SON. 



10 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Andrew. Check at once! I wonder, do they 
think Rockefeller is one of the boarders here ? 

Ned. Of course something is sure to happen 
within a month. Somebody may leave me a for- 
tune, or Sammy may pick up a nice old man's 
pocketbook, or Benny may rescue some rich female 
from a fire, or 

Sam. (Slowly) Or Uppers may pay Henry 
that forty dollars. 

Jimmy. (Rousing himself) Has youse fellers 
got that answer ready ? 

Henry. Sure we have, Jimmy. Tell Mr. Has- 
kins that we greatly appreciate his kind wishes, and 
we shall certainly favor him with a check within a 
month. 

Jimmy. Is dat all? 

Henry. (With dignity) At present that is all, 
Mr. Crapps. 

Jimmy. (Sauntering tozvard door, still chewing) 
Oh, very well. 

Ned. (Suddenly seizing box of cigarettes from 
table) And, Oh, Jimmy, please accept this Httle 
gift as a slight token of our esteem. 

Jimmy. (Pocketing cigarettes) Tanks, just my 
brand. (Exit) 

Ben. Holy smoke! Ned, those were my cigar- 
ettes ! 

Ned. (Bowing low) To balance my hair-re- 
storer, dear boy. 

Ben. (Clutching hair) My last box! 

(Door bell and postman's whistle outside)) 

Henry. (Jumping up) The letter man ! (Tak- 
ing out key, running to door and calling) Hey, 
Jimmy, bring up those letters like a good kid! 
(Exit right) 

Ben. a job at last! 

Ned. a letter from Cecelia ! 



WINNING AN HEIRESS, ii 

Sam. A.n invitation! 
Andrew. Bills ! 

Henry. {Re-entering) No fooling, boys; one 
of us has got to marry an heiress. 
Sam. Bring on the heiress. 

{Enter Jimmy zvith letters.) 

Jimmy. Here's enough to choke de box. One 
fer each of youse and one for de bunch. {Throzvs 
them on fable, each seizes his own, glances at its 
contents, puts it quickly in pocket) 

Jimmy. {Going toward door) Ta — Ta. {Exit) 

Ben. Where's the one for the bunch? {Seizes 
it) Listen, fellers. It is from Helpum. {Reads) 
Dear old Chumps : — 

I have some good news for you. 

Chorus. Ah ! 

Ben. You are going to have some new neigh- 
bors. 

Chorus. Oh ! 

Ben. An heiress will live across the street from 
you in a few days. 

Chorus. Ha ! 

Ben. She will live with her aunt at No. 34^- 
second floor. (All rush to the windozv and peer 
out) She likes society (All turn around) and de- 
sires to be entertained as much as possible. (All 
scratch heads) She likes to be invited out, and it 
is all right, for her aunt always chaperons her. 

Chorus. {Dubious) Oh! 

Ben. She is very beautful. 

Chorus. {Delighted) Ah! 

Ben. But she always wears a veil when she goes 
out. 

Chorus. (Disappointed) Oh I 

Ben. She has only one defect. 

Chorus. What ! 

Ben. She is dumb, though not deaf. 



12 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Chorus. (Pleased) H'm. 

Ben. I have sent you a letter of introduction. 

Chorus. Ah ! 

Ben. Call and invite her to some sort of racket 
as soon as possible. One of you is sure to be a 
winner. (Each draws himself up) Good luck to 

you. 

Harold Helpum. 

Henry. A dumb heiress. Well that's a God- 
send ! 

Ben. Fine as silk ! 

Sam. I'd ask nothing better than a wife that 
couldn't talk. 

Ned. Well, it's up to us to entertain her. 

Andrew. Sure thing. 

Ben. We can't invite her here. 

Andrew. Why not? 

Ben. Why, man, we haven't a good enough place. 

Ned. Oh, that can be fixed up all right ! 

Sam. I suppose we ought to have tea or — or 
something. 

Henry. The dishes are not fit. 

Andrew. I'll have a look at them. (Exit left) 

Ned. And I'll see what we have in the pantry. 
(Exit left) 

Ben. (Left, aside) Now I can examine my let- 
ter again. (Reads) 

Dear Ben : Just a line to put you wise. The new 
heiress is very fond of elocution. Take a tip from 
me and learn some real touching piece, like " Cur- 
few Shall Not Ring To-night." Recite it well and 
you're a winner. (Speaking) I wonder if they 
have that in the library? 

Henry. (Right, aside) This is good of Harold. 
(Reads) Dear Henry : Just a line to put you 
wise. The new heiress dotes on strong men. Get 
some heavy V'/eights, and show her a few stunts 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 13 

and — you'll get her sure. (Speaks) It's good I 
don't owe anything to the sporting-store ! 

Sam. (Center, aside) This is pretty good. 
(Reads) Dear Sammy: Just a Hne to put you 
wise. The new heiress is crazy over music. Learn 
some sentimental song like " O Promse Me " and 
your fortune is made. (Aloud) I'll do it by gum 1 " 

(Enter, Andrew, carrying a few plates and cups of 
various sizes and patterns. He is followed by 
Ned who carries two shredded wheat biscuit 
and an open can of condensed milk.) 

Andrew. Behold our rare old china! 

Ned. And our sumptuous food ! 

Ben. Heavens, this will never do ! 

All. We must have money. 

Henry. There's only one thing left to do. 

All. What ? 

Henry. Pawn our watches! (All reach for 
watches) Sammy, old Goldstein knows you pretty 
well. Collect the watches, and go before we re- 
pent. 

Sam. (Holding out hat) Drop 'em in. 

Ned. Just a moment, old man! (Removes pic- 
ture from watch and kisses it) Dearest Cecelia! 

(Sam turns to Henry.) 

Henry. AVait a moment if you please. (Takes 
lock of dark hair out of watch. Aside) Dear little 
girl. 

(Sam moves toward Andrew.) 

Andrew. Just a moment ! ( Takes faded flowers 
out of watch'. Aside) " Only a pansy blossom." 

(Sam moves toward Ben.) 



14 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Ben. I'm not quite ready. {Takes small note out 
of watch. Aside) This precious letter! 

Sam. {Setting down hat and taking out watch. 
Aside) I must take my darling's- -I mean my cous- 
in's likeness out of this watch. {Takes it out and 
drops watch in hat, then, standing center and hold- 
ing out hat) Now, fellers, poney up ! 

All. {Holding watches over hat. Tune, — ■ 
chorus to " Hozv Can I Bear to Leave Thee") 

Farewell, farewell, my watch so fine, 
Farewell, farewell, to old Goldstein ! 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



Scene : — Same as in Act I. The room is neater, the 
table has been moved to left, and there has 
been some attempt at decoration. The poster 
over the window has been replaced by one say- 
ing '' ' Life is real, life is earnest,' " Longfel- 
low. Some pipes are still in rack, left of win- 
dow, and a tobacco jar is on the table with the 
writing materials, also a waiter's apron. 

Curtain rises discovering Ben, book in hand, 
rehearsing his ''piece.'' 

Ben. {With tragic gestures) 

"" Sexton," Bessie's white lips faltered, 

Pointing to the prison old, 
With its walls so dark and gloomy, 

Walls so dark and damp and cold. 

(Jimmy pokes head in door, right. He looks 
alarmed, and enters stealthily, staring at 
Ben.) 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 15 

Ben. (Continues) 

" I've a lover in that prison 

(Jimmy looks zvhere Ben points. All along Jimmy 
shows great interest and alarm.) 

Ben. (Continues) 

'' Doomed this very night to die, 
At the ringing of the curfew, 

And no earthly help is nigh." 
Jimmy. Oh, Gee! What's the matter, Mr. Bor- 
row. Can't I give you a lift? 
Ben. (Not hearing) 

" Cromwell will not come till sunset," 
And her face grew cold and white, 

(Jimmy shudders.) 

" As she spoke in husky whispers, 

" Curfew must not ring to-night ! " 
Jimmy. (Aside, tapping his forehead) He's got 
'em all right. H^ope he ain't dangerous. 
Ben. (Continues) 

" Bessie," calmly spoke the sexton. 

Every word chilled her young heart. 
Like a thousand gleaming arrows, 
Like a deadly poisoned dart. 
Jimmy. [Aside, shuddering) This is worse 
than moving pictures. (Aloud) Hey, Mr. Borrow, 
what ye givin' us? Ye ain't been drinking, I hope. 
Ben. (Continues) 

" Long, long years I've rung the curfew, 
From that gloomy, shadowed tower, 
Every evening, just at sunset. 

It has 

Jimmy. (Interrupting, hand to mouth) Smok- 
ing on the four rear seats only. Turn over, it's time 
to get up. (Piuls Ben ^3; the coat) Hey, Mr. Bor- 



i6 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

row, try a Bromo Seltzer. It's fine for that there 
trouble of yours. 

Ben. {Turning around) What the — What do 
you mean by interrupting an elocutionist? 

Jim m y. A — a — what ? 

Ben. Jimmy you do not understand the artistic 
temperament. You cannot appreciate a passionate 
delivery. 

Jimmy. You have me there, pard. I'm up 
against it all right. You f eelin' better now ? 

Ben. {With dignity) I shall not attempt an ex- 
planation. 

Jimmy. No, plain Bromo Seltzer is better, I 
guess. Now what's the job that you fellers want 
me to do ? 

Ben. Oh, yes, Jimmy. {Puts book in pocket) 
You see we are expecting distinguished guests to- 
day. Ahem ! In short we are expecting Miss 
Highrox and her aunt, Mrs. Keerful, this afternoon. 
(Jimmy looks much impressed) We intend to en- 
tertain them in a manner befitting our station in 
society. {With a flourish) 

Jimmy. Well, how is that up to me? Put me 
wise. 

Ben. Exactly. You will remember that Mr. 
Hardup explained to you that a circumstance, over 
which we have no control, prevents us from en- 
gaging our regular caterer. {Ahem) However, 
having noticed your genteel bearing (Jimmy draws 
himself up) we have decided to engage you as 
butler, for about one hour. 

Jimmy. Sure ; so Mr. Hardup said. He told me 
I had to rig up like a bar tender, or something like 
that. Where's de costoom? 

Ben. {Taking waiter's apron from table) Here 
it is, Jimmy. I am sure it will give you a very dis- 
tinguished appearance. 

Jimmy. Holy smoke ! 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 17 

(Ben ties the apron on Jimmy.) 

Jimmy. Gee ! I look like that pan-cake man in 
Child's restaurant. Ain't I the candy kid? 

Ben. It certainly gives you quite a distinguished 
air ; but I would respectfully suggest a slight change 
of posture. 

Jimmy. {Feeling neck, etc.) Change what? 
Change nothing. Des is me glad rags I'll have 
youse to know. 

Ben. The suit is every thing that can be desired. 
The color a trifle light, perhaps, but not bad you 
know. I would suggest, however, that you draw 
yourself up slightly. Have you ever noticed a 
waiter in the Waldorf Astoria? 

Jimmy. What? Muh? Nixey, not on your tin- 
type. But I've been in Child's. Dey has girls 
der tho. Stunners with big pompadores and white 
tidies on der heads. 

Ben. {Despairingly) Well, do the best you can, 
Jimmy. And, by the way, for this afternoon, we 
must call you by your last name, Crapps, simply 
Crapps. Now let us suppose that the ladies have 
l^nocked at the door. You are to open it, so. 
{Opens the door, right, and stands stiffly beside it) 
If the ladies say "Are the gentlemen at home?" 
you must reply, " They are. What name shall I 
say ? " When they have mentioned their names, 
you are to say, " Be seated, and I will inform them 
of your arrival." 

Jimmy. Holy smoke! 

Ben. {Shutting door) Now, try it. 

(Jimmy slowly opens door, just in time to admit 
Henry Hardup, who is laboring to lift in two 
heavy dumb-bells.) 

Henry. {Setting down dumb-bells, and wiping 
perspiration from brow) Whew! isn't it warm? 



i8 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Ben. No wonder you're warm. Where did you 
get those blamed things? (^Indicating dumh-hells) 

Henry. (JVith dignity) From my friend Mr. 
Spalding. 

Ben. But why in thunder did you bring them 
home to-day? 

Henry, Well, you see, old chap, I — I really need 
exercise you know. 

Ben. Nonsense ! Here I am doing all the hard 
work of drilling Jimmy — I mean Crapps, in his new 
duties, and you are sporting around buying this 
truck. I'm disgusted. Come, Crapps, since no one 
else shows proper interest in your training, I must 
do it myself. Come to the kitchen and I will give 
you full instructions. 

Jimmy. Sure Mike ! (Follows Ben toward door, 
left, hut stops suddenly) Say, Mr. Borrow! 

Ben. (Stopping at door) Well, Crapps, what 
can I do for you? 

Jimmy. Say, when does I get me pay for dis? 

Ben. You'll get a dollar this very night. (Exit 
Ben, left) 

Jimmy. Hurray ! Ten admissions to the Mov- 
ies ! (Exit Jimmy, left) 

Henry. (Glancing around to see that no one is 
looking) Now I'll practice a fev\^ stunts. They 
ought to be heavy enough to impress that heiress. 
(Starts to lift dumb-bells) 

Sam. (Outside window, singing v'ery slowly) 
" Oh, promise me that you will take my hand." 

Henry. (Setting down dumb-bells) Cats ! 
(Rushes to window and looks out) 

Sam. (Outside) ""The most unworthy in this 
lonely land." 

Henry. (Turning around) Suffering snakes! 
It's Sammy. He must be crazy. He's coming up, 
I'll have a few minutes to practice. (Takes up 
dumb-bells again, and lifts them slowly toward 
shoulders) 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 19 

Sam. (Outside door, right) " That we shall be 
alone and faith renew." (Opens door and comes in 
holding sheet music) " And find the hollows where 
those flowers grew." (Walks in without noticing 
Henry, who goes on practicing) " Those first sweet 
violets of early Spring." (Runs into Henry, who 
suddenly lets the dumb-hells fall. Jimmy and Ben 
hurriedly open the door, left) 

Ben. (Angrily) What in thunder! 

Jimmy. The lady down stairs 

(Ben shoves him hack.) 

Ben. What the dickens are you fellers fooling 
around here for? Those ladies will be here within 
ten minutes. 

(Sam puts music in pocket; Henry conceals dumh- 
hells under the tahle. Both try to look in mirror 
at once.) 

Henry. Where's Ned and Andrew? 

Ben. You've got me. They said they would 
buy something for the ladies, flowers or something, 
but they haven't shown up. 

Henry. Well, all the more chance for us if they 
don't come. 

Sam. (Slowly) Yes, that Ned's considered 
handsome. 

Henry. (Settles his tie) Oh, I don't know, 
most ladies take to me. 

Ben. Don't forget, fellers, there's not enough 
spoons to go round. If you don't get one, mum's 
the word. 

(Knock at door, right.) 

Ben. There they are now. Come here, Jimmy. 
(Enter Jimmy) Now, feUers, we'll all vacate until 



20 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

the ladies are properly seated. (Exit Sam and 
Henry) 

Ben. (To Jimmy) Don't forget what I told you 
to say. 

Jimmy. (Standing stiffly at door) Not on your 
life. (Exit Ben) 

(The knock is repeated. Jimmy slowly opens the 
door to admit old Cohen, who comes slowly 
in.) 

Cohen. Is the gentlemens in. 

Jimmy. They are — What! (Stops, staring) 

Ben. (Through the door) Say no, Jimmy. It's 
the wrong party. Tell him weVe all gone to the 
contagious disease hospital. 

Jimmy. (Behind his hand) Sure. (To Cohen) 
Get out o' here, ye Sheeny. They're all in the hos- 
pital, see? 

(Exit Cohen hurriedly, Jimmy shuts the door. 
Enter Ben. Sam and Henry look in left.) 

Ben. Good for you, Jimmy, you're a brick. 

Whew, what an escape! 

Sam. (Slowly) Has he gone for good? 
Jimmy. Sure, he's melted, vanished. 

(Knock at door.) 

Ben. Wait a minute, Jimmy, I'll investigate this 
time. (Crosses to right, and stooping dozvn, looks 
through key -hole. Others behind, trying to see) 

Ben. I see some skirts. (Rising) It's all right, 
Jimmy, just give us a chance to get away. (Exit 
left Sam, Ben, and Henry) 

(The knock is repeated.) 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 21 

Ben. {Looking in, left) Now do it up well, 
Jimmy. 

Jimmy. Sure. {Opens door slowly, enter Mrs. 
Keerful, followed by Miss Highrox. Both are 
heavily veiled. Really Ned and Andrew in 
costume) 

Mrs. Keerful. {In high pitched tone) Are the 
young gentlemen at home ? 

Jimmy. {Stiffly) Yes ma'am, will youse make 
me acquainted with your names? 

Mrs. Keerful. You may announce Mrs. Keer- 
ful and Miss Highrox. 

Jimmy. Sure ! Now if youse 'ill sit down, I — I 
- — I'll git de bunch. 

(Mrs. Keerful motions to Miss Highrox, who 
apparently talks with her fingers. Jimmy stops 
■ and stares.) 

Jimmy. {Aside to audience) Get on to de 
dummy. {Exit left) 

(Miss. Highrox nudges aunt and they appear to 
confer. Enter Ben, followed by Henry and 
Sam. They bozv azvkwardly.) 

Ben. Since we did ourselves the honor to call the 
other day, we have looked forward to this — this — 
this 

Henry. Pleasure ! 

Ben. Yes, pleasure. And we hope that you will 
— will — will 

Sam. Enjoy yourselves. 

Ben. Yes, enjoy yourselves. 

Henry. Won't you take off your wraps ? 

Mrs. Keerful. No, thank you, I am so afraid 
of drafts. 

Ben. But surely you will remove your veils. We 
— we — have heard so much about your — ^your 



22 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Henry. {Interrupting) Your great beauty, 

that 

Sam. {Interrupting and shoving Henry's arm) 
lat we long to s 
All. See you. 



That we long to see — see 



(Miss Highrox talks on fingers to her aunt.) 

Mrs. Keerful. {In high voice) No, thank you. 
You see I am troubled with asthma, and my dear 
niece has such a very delicate complexion that she 
is scarcely ever without a veil. 

Henry. {Bozmng) This makes us even more 
anxious to see her. 

(Miss Highrox simpers behind fan.) 

Ben. I will ring for some tea. 
Mrs. Keerful. Oh, thank you. That will be de- 
lightful. 

(Ben rings bell. Henry and Sam look anxiously 
toward the door. Enter Jimmy, left, carrying 
tray on which are cups and saucers.) 

Jimmy. {Who is chewing gum) Here I am, 
gents. {Stumbles and nearly falls. Great alarm 
shozvn by others) 
, Ben. Serve the ladies, Crapps. 

Jimmy. Sure! {Holds tray toward ladies, each 
takes a cup) 

Mrs. Keerful. Have you a little lemon for Miss 
Highrox ? 

Jimmy. Not on your Hfe, I never hands no lem- 
ons to de ladies, see? {With a flourish. Ladies 
looked shocked) 

Ben. We must beg you to pardon our — our — 
butler. We are only just training him. He is not 
used to the best families. 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 23 

Jimmy. What' yer givin' us? (Passes tea to the 
boys) 

Ben. (Aside to Jimmy) Take that gum out of 
your mouth. 

(Jimmy takes it out and attaches it to the under 
part of a table.) 

Ben. (Continuing) And, Miss Highrox, pray 
accept our humblest apologies for not serving 
lemons with the tea. On account of the earthquake 
in Italy, the lemons are not of their usual flavor — 
and — and — and 

Henry. (Interrupting) We couldn't think of 
serving such lemons to — to — to 

Sam. Beautiful and delicate ladies — like — 
like 

All. You. 

(Miss Highrox makes signs with her hands.) 

Mrs. Keerful. My niece says that the matter is 
really of no moment. 

Ben. You are too kind. 

Jimmy. (Aside to Ben as he goes toward the 
door) Tell dem to put up the shades. (Indicating 
veils. Exit Jimmy) 

(Henry, who has received no spoon, tries to stir his 
tea by moving the cup round and round. Miss 
Highrox makes signs to her aunt.) 

Mrs. Keerful. My niece wishes to know why 
you stir your tea in that peculiar manner. 

Henry. (Embarassed) Well, you see in my 
family we never use spoons, at least — a — a — a — 

a 

Ben. (Coming to his relief) You see we are aU 
fond of telling fortunes with tea leaves. 



24 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

(Miss Highrox makes signs again.) 

Mrs. Keerful. My niece is delighted. She 
wishes her fortune told at once. 

{Much embarrassment among the boys.) 

Mrs. Keerful. Won't you tell her fortune, Mr. 
Hardup ? 

Henry. Yes, yes, of course, certainly. (Shakes 
fist at Ben, and then approaches the ladies and 
takes Miss Highrox's cup. The others gather 
round) 

Henry. You will soon be married (Miss 
Highrox puts head behind fan) to a tall, broad- 
shouldered, light gentleman. (Describes himself) 

Sam. (Interrupting) No, no, he's short and 
dark. (Describes himself) 

Ben. Nonsense, he's tall and light all right, but 
he's slender. (Same) 

Mrs. Keerful. This is very confusing, gentle- 
men. You must be out of practice. 

Henry. Yes, yes, exactly, we are 

Ben. (Helping him) We are a little 

Sam. a little out 

All. Of practice. 

(Miss Highrox makes signs to her aunt. Ben 
rings the bell. Enter Jimmy.) 

Ben. Crapps, remove the cups. 

(Jimmy does so, zvhile Ben looks secretly into 
book. Henry tries muscles, and Sam con- 
sults music. Jimmy takes gum from under 
table. Exit Jimmy.) 

Mrs. Keerful. My niece has heard that you are 
very talented young men. (All draw themselves 
up) You know my niece can hear, though she has 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 25 

been deprived of speech. Can one of you recite? 
Ben. (Aside) At last! (Aloud, bozving) 
Ladies, I was once an elocutionist. (Signs of sur- 
prise and amusement from Sam and Henry) And 
although my repertoire is small, I will endeavor to 
render a few verses. (All compose themselves to 
listen) My title is an old one. " Curfew Shall Not 
Ring To-night." (Signs of disgust from Henry 
and Sam. All the time he is reciting they show 
signs of disgust. He recites hesitatingly hut with 
many tragic gestures) 

" England's sun was slowly setting, 

O'er the hills so far away ; 
Filling all the land with beauty 

At the close of one sad day. ' 

And the last rays kissed the foreheads 

Of a man and maiden fair 
He with step so slow and weakened, 

She with sunny floating hair! ^ 

He with sad bowed head and thoughtful, 
She with lips so cold and white, 

Struggling to keep back the murmur, 
" Curfew must not ring to-night." 

" Sexton," — Bessie's white lips faltered, 

Pointing to the prison old. 
With its walls so dark and gloomy. 

Walls so dark and damp and cold, — 

" I've a lover in that prison, 

Doomed this very night to die 

At the ringing of the Curfew, 
And no earthly help is nigh. 

Cromwell will not come till sunset ; " 

And her face grew strangely white, 
As she spoke in husky whiskers — 



26 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

(All surprised.) 

As she spoke in whisky huskers 

(Henry and Sam laugh.) 

Mrs. Keerful. Oh, we can't Hsten to any more, 
really, Mr. Borrow. We didn't know it was about 
whisky, and we are teetotalers you know. 

(Miss Highrox looks much shocked.) 

Ben. But — but 



Mrs. Keerful. {Putting up hand) No more, 
no more, please. 

Henry>. Perhaps the ladies are interested in 
physical culture. {Bowing) Would you like to 
see a few stunts — I mean exercises ? 

(Miss Highrox makes signs.) 

Mrs. Keerful. We should be delighted, Mr. 
Hardup. Pray let us see them at once. 

(Henry takes out dumb-bells and proceeds with 
great effort to do some exercises. Ladies look 
on making signs of admiration, while boys 
laugh behind hands. In an effort to raise the 
dumb-bells unusually high he lets one fall out 
of his hand and it hits Miss Highrox's foot. 
The aunt screams, and Miss Highrox shows 
signs of fainting.) 

Ben. {Pulling Henry azvay) Now you've done 
it, you lobster. {To Mrs. Keerful) How is she? 

Mrs. Keerful. She'll be all right in a minute. 
Some smelling salts, please. 

(Sam and Ben run aimlessly around.) 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 27 

Ben. I — I'm afraid 

Sam. We haven't any. 

(Miss Highrox straightens up.) 

Mrs. Keerful. She's better now, thank you. 

Ben. {Aside to Henry) For goodness sake 
apologize. 

Henry. (Approaching ladies) Pray pardon me, 
ladies. It was due to the awkwardness of the 
dumb-bell. 

(Miss Highrox makes indignant signs.) 

Mrs. Keerful. My niece begs you not to refer 
to her infirmity. If she is a dumb belle, she does 
not consider iicrsclf awkward. 

(IIetnry, much confused.) 

Ben. (Aside) You've queered yourself now. 

Henry. [Aside) I don't care. She has big feet 
anyway. 

Mrs. Keerful. A little music would be so sooth- 
ing. Can't one of you sing? 

Sam. (Rising and bowing) At one time I had a 
fine voice. (Boys laugh aside) Although the cares 
of business have somewhat impaired it, Ahem, I 
shall try to render an air from " Robin Hood." 
(Opens music and sings. Disgust from boys) 

(Song, '' , Promise Me." Knock at door, right. 
Sam stops singing. All look alarmed.) 

Mrs. Keerful. There is some one at the door, 
I think. 

Ben. Yes, yes, but there are so many beggars 
and peddlers about and — and 



28 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

(Knock repeated. Enter Jimmy, left.) 

Jimmy. {Behind hand) Shall I open it, gents? 

(Knock repeated.) 

Mrs. Keerful. It might be somebody for us. 
Ben. Yes, yes, of course. Open the door, 
Crapps. 

(Jimmy crosses right, and slowly opens door to 
admit old Cohen. Much consternation from 
the boys.) ' 

Mr. Cohen. Ah, now I haf found all the gentle- 
m.en in. I can tell them about my families and mine 
poor vif. 

.(Ladies show much stir prise.) 

Ben. (Aside to ladies) It's a poor man whom 
we have been helping. You must excuse him. 

Henry. Mr. Cohen, there are ladies present. 
Will you call again ? 

Mr. Cohen. Nine, I likes ladies very much. 
And I want that moneys. 

Henry. (Aside to Ben) Write him a check, for 
goodness sake. 

Ben. (Aside to Henry) But there is no money 
in the bank. 

Henry. (Aside to Ben) Well, give him a note 
to Paul Prudent. Maybe he'll help us again. 

Ben. (Aside to Henry) Sv/ell chance! How- 
ever, here goes. (To Cohen) What is the amount 
needed, my good man? 

Cohen. Thirty-six dollars altogether, fer 
tree 

Ben. (Interrupting) Never mind the details. 
I'll give you a letter to a friend who has some of 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 29 

our — our — funds. He'll doubtless give you the 
money at once. (Sits down, left, and zvrites) He 
lives just around the corner. 

Cohen. I tank you, my vife tanks you. The chil- 
dren tank you. 

Sam. Yes, yes, all right. 

Henry. Don't mention it. 

Ben. Here's the letter. {Hands it to Cohen) 

Sam. Good-m.orning, Mr. Cohen. (They hustle 
him out, right. Exit Jimmy, left, laughing) 

Mrs. Keerful. You must be very benevolent 
young m.en. 

Ben. Oh; v/e help a fellow now and then. 

Henry. It does our hearts good to be generous. 

Sam. Brotherly love, you know. 

Mrs. Keerful. (Looking around) There seems 
to be no clock here. Can any of you gentlemen tell 
me the time? 

(All reach for zvatches and show much embarrass- 
ment upon remembering where they are.) 

Sam. I — I — really 

Henry. Our watches all stopped at once during 
the thunder storm and we sent them to be 

Ben. And, besides, v/e would not have a time- 
piece about v/hen such charming ladies are visiting 
us. (Striking an attitude) We long for time to 
stretch into eternity ! 

(Knock at door, right All stop in alarm.) 

Sam: (Aside to Ben) Suppose it is the agent. 
Ben. (Aside to Sam) I am afraid we'll have 
to open the door. 

(Knock repeated. Enter Jimmy, left.) 



30 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Jimmy. Shall I open the door, gents? It must 
be the man for the rent. 

Ben. Open it of course, Crapps. 

(Jimmy opens the door, and, as no one enters, he 
looks out, and returns with a bill which he 
holds out.) 

Jimmy. There's a guy outside says here's de bill 
fer dem pipes and tobacco, and he's waited long 
enough for de money. He's getting quite peevish. 

{Much consternation among the hoys. Miss High- 
Rox makes signs to her aunt.) 

Mrs. Keerful. {Holding up hands in horror) 
Pipes and tobacco ! How shocking ! 

(Ben, left, hastily conceals tobacco jar under table. 
Sam, center, takes pipe from, rack and puts it 
in pocket.) 

Ben. {Desperately) Those articles must have 
been bought by, by, — the lady down-stairs. We — 
we 

Henry. We never indulge, 

Sam. In such, such, such 

All. In such things. 

Jimmy. {Throwing bill out) Dis belongs down- 
stairs, see? {Slams door. Exit, left) 

Mrs. Keerful. This is the second time this 
afternoon that we have heard of shocking things. 

{Knock at the door. All look nervous. Knock is 
repeated. Enter Jimmy.) 

Jimmy. Do youse want me to open the door? 
Mrs. Keerful. Of course, a — a — a Crapps, 
open it at once. 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 31 

Ben. (With dignity) Open the door, Crapps. 

C Jimmy crosses right. All look at door. Jimmy 
opens door. Enter Cohen, excitedly.) 

Cohen. It is a sheet — a sheet, it is a swindle I 
say! 

(The boys show much alarm.) 

Ben. Pray calm yourself, Mr. Cohen. Go home 
to your wife and family. 

Henry. (Hastily) And we will call upon you 
during the week, and 

Sam. Give you more — more 

All. More money. 

Cohen. (Waving letter in hand) More moneys, 
you say. What kind of moneys? Look at this. 
(Showing letter) You say I git moneys. I take it 
to the chentelman. I hurry ; I give it to him so. 
(Bozvs) He read it ; he gets a mad on him. He 
says you haf the gall, the nerve. He says he not 
pay moneys for you. He says you are a set of lazy 
loafers. He says I am a Sheeny, — me, me. (Point- 
ing to himself) He tells me to get out, or he vill 
kick me out, me, me. It is a sheet, a sheet ! ( Very 
excited, shaking fists in air) 

(Jimmy jumps up and down in great glee. Miss 
HiGHRox makes signs to her aunt, who shows 
great consternation. The hoys try to shove 
Cohen out.) 

Mrs. Keerful. We must see this matter more 
clearly. 

(The ladies start to put up veils.) 

Jimmy. (Pointing) The shades is going up, 
gents. 



32 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

{The veils are thrown hack, disclosing the faceS 
of Andrew Askum and Ned Natty. All start 
hack in surprise.) 

Jimmy. Deys fellows, by gum ! 

Ben. Andrew ! 

Henry. Ned ! 

Sam. Where is the heiress? 

Ned. Search me ! 

Ben. But the letters from Hal Helpum? 

Andrew. He wrote them to please us. We had 
your goat all right. 

Jim. [Looking from one to the other in amaze- 
ment) Well, I'll be busted! 

(Bell and postman s whistle heard off.) 

Ben. {Handing key) Here, Jimmy. Get the 
mail. {Exit Jimmy) 

Henry. I wasted two dollars on those dumb 
bells! 

Sam, And the music was seventy-five cents ! 

{Enter Jimmy, with letters.) 

Jimmy. Youse ought to have a private letter- 
carrier. 

{They all crowd around Jimmy.) 

Ned. {Seizing letter) From Cecelia! 

Ben. {Seizing letter. Looking at printing) 
" Hotel Theatric ! " 

Andrew. {Taking letter) From the boss! 

Sx\M. {Reading from envelope) " Lightagraph 
Moving Picture Company." 

(Henry tries to take letter.) 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 33 

Jimmy. Go on ! Dis one has to be signed for, 
see ! (Shows card of registered mail. Henry looks 
excited, but signs card. Then takes letter and opens 
it. Exit Jimmy, right. All read letters, Andrew 
and Ned still in costumes, right; Henry, center, 
Sam and Ben, left. Cohen has sunk dozvn into a 
chair) 

Ned. (Reading) "Darling Ned: A distant 
uncle has just left me ten thousand dollars. What 
is mine is yours. Come at once ! With many 
kisses Cecelia." 

Ben. (Joyfully reading) " Benjamin Borrow, 
Esq., Dear Sir : Regarding your application to act 
as chaperon to an opera singer, — we beg to say 
that we are entirely satisfied with your description 
of yourself and you may consider yourself engaged. 
The opera singer is a man weighing three hundred 
pounds, but the salary being ten dollars a week and 
board, we know that you will accept the situation. 

Very truly yours, 
F. Key, 
Hotel Theatric." 

(Ben hops about joyfully.) 

Andrew. (Reading) ''My dear Mr. Askum: 
Upon further consideration we have decided to 
reengage you, on condition that you arrive every 
morning at 6 : 30. Very truly yours, Crank & Co." 
(Speaking) Hurrah ! 

Sam. (Reading slowly) Mr. Sam Slow ; Dear 
Sir : Report at our office at once. We want you 
to appear in a moving picture as a trained snail. 
As you are better fitted for the position than any 
other man we know, we are enclosing check for 
fifty dollars to retain your services. Very truly 
yours, Lightagraph Co. (Speaking) I always 
thought that my talent would some day be appreci- 
ated. (Holds up check) 



34 WINNING AN HEIRESS. 

Henry. (Who has been looking wonderingly at 
contents of his letter) Say, fellers ! What do you 
think ? Uppers has sent the forty dollars ! 

Ben. Go on ! You're kidding ! 

Henry. Registered letter. Here it is. {Shows 
hills. All crowd around) 

Cohen. (Lifting head) I want my money! 

Jimmy. (V/ho has been standing zvith open 
mouth, looking from one to the other) Where's me 
dollar? 

Henry. (With a flourish) Pardon me one 
moment, Jimmy. (Turning to Cohen) Mr. Cohen, 
the long delay has been a cause of deep sorrow to 
us. (Handing bills) Here is your thirty-six dol- 
lars ! 

Chorus of Boys. Hurray ! 

Cohen. I tank you, my vif tanks you 

Henry. Quite so ! Quite so ! 

(Cohen counts bills.) 

Sam. (In a drawling voice to Jimmy) Here, 
Jimmy, take this check to the agent. It's for that 
rent he's been talking about. I'll endorse it. 
(Writes) You can bring back the change. 

Jimmy. (Incredulously, taking money) Say, 
did youse know old man Haskins has heart trouble ? 
Ain't youse afraid this here'll be too sudden for 
him? 

Ben. (With dignity) Let the levity cease, 
Crapps. 

Jimmy. What you givin' us? 

Henry. We are giving you one dollar. Permit 
me. (Hands Jimmy a dollar bill) 

Jimmy. (loyfully) Tanks! Now I can see de 
other reels of "The Dangers of Daisy.'" (Turn- 
ing suddenly at door) But say, where's dem swell 
dames, huh? 



WINNING AN HEIRESS. 35 

Ben, We have decided not to entertain to-day, 
Crapps. 

Sam. (Slowly) Let's go out and get some 
eats. It's on me. 

All. Hurrah ! 

(They form a ring, dragging in Crapps and 

Cohen.) 

CURTAIN. 

(As curtain rises again Andrew is seen at hack. 
He has removed the motto '^ Life is real, life is 
earnest,** and is replacing the motto, " We 
should worry.'' All are admiring it.) 




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